I Said…”Its not even me that thinks Im a man. I am fully aware that I am still growing up. Its everyone around me including the girl I love that thinks I am trying to hard to be a man. How does she expect me to choose who my father is? I know who he is. I think it may have something to do with last Christmas when I got everyone the gift that they wanted. I had the money, wouldn’t you do the same? give back to all those that have always given to you. Not as a means to show off how much money I was making, but as a way to give back. If I had the money now, I probably wouldn’t do it again considering the reactions of everyone. Isn’t it a little sad to feel malice over someone getting a “better gift?” I asked everyone what they wanted and they got it. So my dad is not my dad because I didnt get him and my mom a new surround sound for Christmas? Damn, I really feel the love. This is exactly why I hate the holidays. The girl I love opened the eyes of my family to this or is it something they have felt all along? So my dad is hurt because he didn’t get the best gift? I thought it was the thought that counts? I thought it wasnt supposed to matter? So the steady decline in the relationship with my dad boils down to a gift. The fact that I decided that I didnt want to be a cop. Now the relationship with the girl who has been with me through all my ups and downs this year is letting our relationship rest on a material object. Something that i do not have within my power to change. sure, I could possibly become a cop but Id be misserable the rest of my life. Does my life even matter? Does my happiness even matter? If I have to buy back my fathers love, then I dont want it. Im not a man, but Im not a boy either. That is just the truth right? I am in that in between stage. Cant rely on my parents to do everything for me, but not quite ready to do it all on my own either. Groiwng up? So unless I dress like my dad, aspire to be just like him then nothing I have said or done for this girl means nothing? If what I want out of life means nothing to my family then they mean just as little. I have no problem saying that. I dont pretend to know what i really want out of life other than wanting to be with her. I have told her that. I cant garuntee anything to her and I told her that as well. I just know that the thought of being with her makes me happy and I could really live with nothing but her and be happy. Thats what I want. When I think of happiness, I think of her face and thtas all. The rest of the world means little to nothing to me. But if she nor the family can get around the fact that Im going to do what I like and what makes me happy then when Im on my feet im gone. The biggest mistake Ive ever made is participating in the holidays. My value to this family is based on the gifts Ive bought. That is a shame and it hurts to know that a gesture measures your place in the family. I suppose that unless I do something i dont want to do and follow in my fathers shoes, then Ill always be a disappointment. Should this be such a hard decision?

Mom-Mom (Grandma) Said- “No, you have to do what makes you happy. family should always be on your side and not with the girl you are with. You aren’t married to her. If the girl you love cant understand the way you feel, then she doenst love you like the way she says she does. Your family should always be there for you and support whatever you decide to do. There is no need for this animosity and it is a shame that a girl no one has even met has caused or is fueling this tension. Just take this oppurtunity, get on your feet and do what you have to do. I cant stand to see you beat your self up over this and its not right they are fueling it.”

I dont know what to say BrizzyPu, but mom-mom is right. I am right. Christmas gifts shouldnt measure who I love more. That is why I hate the holidays. If you or they cant see this then when Im on my feet Ill go and be gone. I dont owe you, my father or anyone anything for trying to grow up. If I am never able to be fully successful because of this then so be it. Id rather find small moments of happiness through defiance than fucking happiness all together. After all, thats what being an American is all about.