I wrote this long epic thing on paper thinking it would be a bit more thought out but I think Im just tired of talking. Who reads my shit anyway?

I left off the last blog by saying that if everyone could be them self there would be no need for stereo types and people could live in peace. Anything is possible with an open mind. Being yourself may not be being anything or anyone at all but a person who thinks openly. I can say that is true for my self to a degree. It doesn’t really boil down to anything big really, just little things. Like if someone were to ask me “wha do you like to do? what are your interests?” My response would be I dont know, what do you like to do? Then Ill tell you if I can get my head around doing that. Sharing those moments with you. I am not committed to anything. Maybe that is my biggest flaw, but it could also be my greatest strength. with no commitments, I leave myself open to experience all the things that life has to offer. That is the strength. The flaw is finding anyone who will experience them with you. The flaw is that everyone has a commitment of some kind. Even I do, whether it be school, bills, kids, work or whatever, there is something that we are obligated to maintain a certain persona for. The flaw is that our outer image always masks the image of who we are on the inside. We keep things so bottled up for the sake of our appearence, our status in life that we forget whats it like to just be a person. Personally, the stress’ of trying to be devoted to only thing, one persona is to difficult and makes everything repetative. The clothes I wear dont make me who I am. They dont make you who you are unless you allow them to. If you base everything in your life souly on what you posses then you are lost. You refuse to see people for who they are. The good ones and the bad. Evil can conceal itself in the best of things. Kind of the concept of that movie “The Devil Wears Prada.” I never saw it, but the title says it all. There is a band with the same name with pretty good music too by the way. I used to wear a chain with a big cross on it. It made me feel like righteous. Then I remembered what the cross signifies and the man who died on it. What he died for, who he died for. I am not fit to carry a cross. Whether you believe in him or not, he carried that cross and endured that punishment for our sake. Kind of disrespectful to me now to think I could carry my own sins. I am not even willing to die for all of my own, let alone every person on the planets. At least that is the story told and again, believer non-believer, its still a very noble one. A worthy hero on every level in my opinion beyond the eternal life part. So if you follow the works of this man, you will see that his biggest message was not to get to cought up in the world and posessions. Ive touched on this before, its more of a moral guidline when you take heaven and hell out of it. Think about it. You buy a shirt for $20 and it costs 25 cents to make. The laborer in China was paid 50 cents an hour to make 1000 in a day. A scenario that we all here about and people work so tirelessly to stop. The problem is, we all still go and buy that $20 shirt. If we forced these injustices to stop then there would be no shirts to buy, although I think most americans have enough shirts to last them a lifetime. I know I do. Micheal Jackson sang that song “man in the Mirror”, I get what he was trying to say now. It is the only song I like by Micheal too. A shame that he died with all the contreversy surrounding him. A shame that a single moment of clarity by one of the most influential and powerful people in history went unnoticed and changed nothing. Persona, image, not even the king of pop could change the man in the mirror. He was the king of pop, his duty was not to help the world for a better cause, it was to entertain a greedy wealthy overabundant fat cow of a nation. Those words however still live on. Just like the words from a man who died on a cross still live. How we interperate those words as a means for humanity will only lead to change, peace and prosperity. As I write this, I can only think that being yourself is finally seeing yourself and being able to change the things that make you unrecognizable.  Seeing yourself beyond the masks and costumes that make us who we ought not to be.

Assuming only makes an ass out of you and me. I dont think I am assuming anything but you can assume that I dont think you are grown up enough to handle me BrizzyPu. I get the feeling that for a child I am handling this more like an adult than anyone. So like an adult Ill choose to ignore you at least because it is easier. I should have never even entertained you last night. Once I get my room back I can ignore everyone else too. They say ignorance is bliss. Who knows, there just might be someone out there who is above all this bull shit and can kick it. From friends to a girlfriend. You dont meet your wife on Facebook. Its never happened. We could of been the first but thats not what you ever really wanted. That Ill assume. For everone else reading this, dont try and find a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife on FB. That is not its purpose. Also, dont post lyrics, poems or whatever on there hoping that someone will leave a nice comment or get you in touch with someone who shares those interersts. Dont try and become a rapper, it is entirely to ghetto for peple who are more poetic than rhymatic. If no one leaves you comments or messages that is an indication that you are a loser and should not be there. They are called friends because they are your friends, or at very least aquaintances. If you are in highschool and are popular, evaluate the reasons that make you popular, because if they are nothing that will make you happy in the long run, then ditch them while you still can. Before you can create enough memories with people that leave a legacy that you dont want. Dont peak in highschool. If you move away from your highschool friends and then come back only to realize that they really dont want anything to do with you anymore, move on, find new friends. They will only expect you to be what they remember you as and wont ever try and understand what you have learned away from them. You dont have to know what you are doing with your life as long as you work hard at what you are doing. Nothing ever has to be perminant. Most people who have degrees switch careers 2 to 3 times before they find what they really enjoy. If you have no friends or no real sense of direction, then be proud of what you are doing that moment. Own your moments, each and every one and success will come. Give the task you are doing at that moment 110% until you figure out what your really want out of life. If you get some success then dont be a show off. It will land you flat on your back. People are cut throat animals. Threatened by anything with half a brain. Work hard, be early but always keep to yourself. Dont put a target on your back because once it is there people will always take there shots at you. Even the ones you love. Over come your adversaries. Dont let the world beat you down or keep you down. Dont quit, dont give up because what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. If the world wants you gone then have them litterally put you in your grave and dig it to. Dont ever dig your own grave and then put one in your head when you are finished. Chances are they wont even cover you, they’ll leave you for the wolves. Remeber, unless someone helps you get to a point of success then you owe them nothing. If no one extends a helping hand then trys to collect from you, tell them to fuck off. They aint the mob and even if they are, dont be bullied. we all die at some point anyway. If I have learned anything in my short life, it would be these things here. Follow them if you want but I guess the most important thig is to “JUST BE YOUR SELF!” Its not that hard. If more people could do it, then there would be no need for these stereotypical class structures and living in piece could be possible. That how ever, is another matter.

I Said…”Its not even me that thinks Im a man. I am fully aware that I am still growing up. Its everyone around me including the girl I love that thinks I am trying to hard to be a man. How does she expect me to choose who my father is? I know who he is. I think it may have something to do with last Christmas when I got everyone the gift that they wanted. I had the money, wouldn’t you do the same? give back to all those that have always given to you. Not as a means to show off how much money I was making, but as a way to give back. If I had the money now, I probably wouldn’t do it again considering the reactions of everyone. Isn’t it a little sad to feel malice over someone getting a “better gift?” I asked everyone what they wanted and they got it. So my dad is not my dad because I didnt get him and my mom a new surround sound for Christmas? Damn, I really feel the love. This is exactly why I hate the holidays. The girl I love opened the eyes of my family to this or is it something they have felt all along? So my dad is hurt because he didn’t get the best gift? I thought it was the thought that counts? I thought it wasnt supposed to matter? So the steady decline in the relationship with my dad boils down to a gift. The fact that I decided that I didnt want to be a cop. Now the relationship with the girl who has been with me through all my ups and downs this year is letting our relationship rest on a material object. Something that i do not have within my power to change. sure, I could possibly become a cop but Id be misserable the rest of my life. Does my life even matter? Does my happiness even matter? If I have to buy back my fathers love, then I dont want it. Im not a man, but Im not a boy either. That is just the truth right? I am in that in between stage. Cant rely on my parents to do everything for me, but not quite ready to do it all on my own either. Groiwng up? So unless I dress like my dad, aspire to be just like him then nothing I have said or done for this girl means nothing? If what I want out of life means nothing to my family then they mean just as little. I have no problem saying that. I dont pretend to know what i really want out of life other than wanting to be with her. I have told her that. I cant garuntee anything to her and I told her that as well. I just know that the thought of being with her makes me happy and I could really live with nothing but her and be happy. Thats what I want. When I think of happiness, I think of her face and thtas all. The rest of the world means little to nothing to me. But if she nor the family can get around the fact that Im going to do what I like and what makes me happy then when Im on my feet im gone. The biggest mistake Ive ever made is participating in the holidays. My value to this family is based on the gifts Ive bought. That is a shame and it hurts to know that a gesture measures your place in the family. I suppose that unless I do something i dont want to do and follow in my fathers shoes, then Ill always be a disappointment. Should this be such a hard decision?

Mom-Mom (Grandma) Said- “No, you have to do what makes you happy. family should always be on your side and not with the girl you are with. You aren’t married to her. If the girl you love cant understand the way you feel, then she doenst love you like the way she says she does. Your family should always be there for you and support whatever you decide to do. There is no need for this animosity and it is a shame that a girl no one has even met has caused or is fueling this tension. Just take this oppurtunity, get on your feet and do what you have to do. I cant stand to see you beat your self up over this and its not right they are fueling it.”

I dont know what to say BrizzyPu, but mom-mom is right. I am right. Christmas gifts shouldnt measure who I love more. That is why I hate the holidays. If you or they cant see this then when Im on my feet Ill go and be gone. I dont owe you, my father or anyone anything for trying to grow up. If I am never able to be fully successful because of this then so be it. Id rather find small moments of happiness through defiance than fucking happiness all together. After all, thats what being an American is all about.

Yup…I have contemplated suicide. C’mon BrizzyPu everyone knows that. Half ass bullshit. A little less drunk and today may have been perfect for me.

eatsleepdraw:

“…said the hyena” by kaonikam